Mountain Tops

A doctor once told me, “Your tonsils are so scarred that if you come back to me with them this inflamed I’ll have to take them out.”   I never went back to that doctor. No it wasn’t because of a miraculous healing but more like avoidance. I hate needles, the sight of blood and yes surgery – next best option -self medicate.

I’ve turned the final page on “Get out of That Pit” and today of all days my mood matches the darkness outside and the rain beating on my window. You’d think that reading and writing about pit abandonment would get me out and keep me out. After all, surely I’ve read all the to do’s and what not to do’s.  Yet if you talk to me too rough right at this moment I just may burst into tears for seemingly no reason.

The memory of my bout with tonsillitis brings two things to mind. No matter how high and lifted up I think [emphasis on the word think] I am, I still don’t own a pit exemption card. I may look pit free and act pit free but I have scars, some still fresh.  The strain of the pit disease is still in me and I’m not above another bout if placed in the right environment.  Almost calls for an outer body experience where I look at myself and ask what in the world is wrong with you!?!

It also reminds me that self medication is not the answer. I can self medicate alllllllllll I want, I still would not be pit free and stay pit free unless I gave my scars, my doubts, my hang ups to God, Jehovah Rapha, the only true healer.  A friend said to me “I read that book and it didn’t help, I may need to read it again.” The things is reading books may help get us in touch with ourselves and cause us to look at places and things we’ve kept hidden from others — or even thought we were over, but it doesn’t heal us does it?

Life is filled with so many hills and valleys. How I respond to my valley determines how long I stay there. I’m about to go talk to my God right now and react to my valley as if I’m still on the mountain! I can see the sun peeking out already. Care to join me?

Flirting with Pits

Have you read “Get Out of That Pit”  by Beth Moore? You should. It falls right into the category of things that make you go hmmm then hmm some more…

If we were really honest with ourselves at some point while reading the first two chapters of “Get out of the Pit,” Beth struck a nerve…or dare I say three.  The reality is we’ve all at some point in our lives been in the pit or flirted with pit living.  I’ll be the first to raise my hands and say I’ve been in the pit; I made a bed there and even stocked up on some good air-freshner to quell the stench. Today, If I were to be brutally honest, on my worse days I am back there and skate dangerously close to staying there.

In my pit sojourn I remember hurting so much that all I could do is lay in a ball begging the pain to stop — feeling like someone was ripping my insides out — slowly. I remember being in class one day taking notes – the memory is so vivid I can tell you exactly where I was sitting and who the teacher was. That day I sat, and took notes while tears streamed down my face. I absolutely hate crying, especially in public – that day my pain and my tears had a mind of their own. I never left the class – I just kept writing, and crying, writing and crying — oblivious to my classmates.

The worse part of the pit is the battle in your mind when you beat yourself up for something you said, didn’t say, did or didn’t do and you keep replaying it. Self torture is the worse pain, yes? Yet we do it – daily.  I think it’s even worse for us introverts as we can have an entire conversation, (with responses!) in our head.

How did I get out – am keeping out of the pit? It started with acknowledgement. The worse thing we do to ourselves is to walk around like we’re so deep and untouched by anything with our noses turned up in a facade of constipated holiness. Yeah I know I still struggle with that as I don’t like to appear weak. I’m by no means saying cry and lament everyday at every opportunity — not at all. I’m just saying find at least one person you can be real with — let down your guard and be honest. Give yourself permission to fail, permission to cry. We do ourself and our sister an in justice with our masks.

Then rely on God for peace and healing. When I was too broken to pray I’d just keep saying over and over “thou God seest me, thou God seest me, thou God seest me…”  You’d be amazed at how swiftly God moves perhaps not to change the situation but to change your mind set.  A scripture I cling to for dear life is to put on “a garment of praise for a spirit of despair.”  When I’m at my weakest I make a conscious decision to not stay there and I really just begin to praise Him through my tears. Yes conscious because it’s so easy to wallow in self pity.

I am by no mean pit free as when Beth talked about forgiveness I squirmed as if she was talking directly to me. Amazing that we could read about Joseph and pick out the parts where God favored him and ignore the fact that Joseph forgave his brothers. Wow.  You know one thing that made me go hmmm from these chapters? I never once thought that Joseph was flaunting his coat.

What about you? How are you getting out of your pit? And what in Beth’s story makes you go hmmm…